Alone

By myself, I feel okay.
I don't have to say anything.
There's nothing to explain.

By myself, I feel sane.
Silence coats the air.
But I can't help to think
Of all the fights that have seared my ears.
Of fighting with my sister
Never hitting hard enough
To actually hurt.
Gritting my teeth before
Yelling at my mother.

When I am alone, I still feel unloved.
By my mother, family in general, and nonexistent friends.
Many of whom I've pushed far from me.
I only have myself to blame when I feel lonely.

Sitting by myself, I feel angry.
That Mom doesn't love me.
That I don't try hard enough for Aunt Mimi.
Who was ready to bite my head off for getting a 'C.'

I may be lonely, but solitude is the only option.
I don't feel the piercing pang of disappointment.
Sometimes I can numb it with TV.
Letting all my mistakes fade temporarily.