Parental Detrimental

When you said you didn’t pay the rent, I felt sick.
Chucking every internal scream out the window
Because I know you can’t it. You can’t help yourself
I can’t help myself from feeling sick.
Stomach gurgles and bubbles threatening to spill words
That shouldn’t be said.
I shouldn’t call you a fucking idiot.

Tripping over other people on the bus
Because I can’t get through, to the exit.
I can’t breathe, I can’t see, I don’t want to
I want a window to crawl through

I need to knot bedsheets together,
And pop out the screen.
I don’t want to hand you the green
Our tether has become an unseen noose.

I can’t fit under the bed anymore.
There’s nowhere to hide and nowhere
To whisper my dark sighs,
Smiling, I dig my nails into my thighs.

I wish I was fifteen again
And put some headphones in.
If I was twenty one, I’d demand a gin.
But all can to do is suck my lips in.

A myriad of times, we could rehearse our lines.
It’s always different the umpteenth time.
But you’re not trying, you’re no longer crying
Because you know you've slid past responsibility.

Wrapping my fingers in my hair,
Trying to erase the memories
Of your face of shards
And how you’re breaking my heart.